Layaway Desires

The essence of my current reflection: grieving, or more accurately, not grieving the way you think you’ll have time to. You push it down, you suppress it, and it doesn’t serve you. Today I realized something about my own grief journey—when I’m on the edge of grieving, I tend to conceive something instead. I create a distraction, a new chapter, a new responsibility, a new identity. It took me 55 years to name this pattern.

One of the earliest examples is my grandmother’s transition in 1988. I graduated from high school, and a month later she passed. Within a year, I had a child because life kept moving, everyone kept moving, and I didn’t feel like I had time to slow down long enough to truly say goodbye. I was confused, angry, hurt, and profoundly lost. And the truth is—even now, in 2025—I'm still grieving her. Tears still fall when I think of her.

Fast-forward to 2008. My mother passed. I didn’t have time to grieve her either because of the chaos happening in my home, my life, and within my family. And then in 2009 my father passed. In 2010, my brother. One after another, they all transitioned. I felt even more alone, even more unanchored.

During this same period, I went through a divorce. I moved from one state to another—then to another. My emotions had no chance to land, let alone regulate themselves. I didn’t have the inner stillness to navigate life the way I needed to.

Eventually, I was blessed with the opportunity to take a year off. I lived on my savings, my income, and the inheritance from my father. With that time, I rebuilt my life—at least enough to stand on my own feet. And as for whether I built the life I truly wanted? I have to be honest and say: no, not yet.

But I kept going. I maintained what stability I could. I encouraged myself to grow spiritually—through my own self-worth, my self-love, somatic healing, breathwork, listening to my intuition, and doing my best to be obedient when spirit spoke.

And now, in 2025, spirit revealed something to me that shifted everything:I’ve been putting my desires on layaway.

Instead of walking up to the desire counter—where spirit stands ready to bless, ready to give, ready to support me—I kept going to the layaway counter. The place of “let me work for it,” “let me earn it,” “let me wait until I’m better, stronger, more healed, more ready.”

I believed that receiving my desires depended solely on my own effort, discipline, and grind. I believed it required only my energy to fulfill the mission I feel on my heart.

At 55, my soul knew better—but my mind was stubborn. My mind held onto boundaries and beliefs shaped by the outside world. Even though they were mine, even though I carried them, I can now see they were limiting me.

So now, like fresh sheets, I’m stripping the memory bed. I’m laying down new beliefs—beliefs rooted in desire, belonging, and divine support. I imagine walking up to that desire counter and spirit saying:

“You’re good. Everything is already here for you. Go ahead and receive it.Do as you will. Do as you wish. And whenever you desire something—big or small—come back to me.”

And I receive that. Fully. I receive the truth that anything I desire is already mine. But I must allow myself to receive it—to know I am worthy of it, deserving of it, and supported in it.

This is part one. Of something beautiful.